Ninja Heat!
by Maeve Moonstone
Summary: "The ninja who ignores an open flame is doomed to burn. Yeeeaaahhhh… not quite getting where you're going with this, nomicon, but I feel like it has something to do with this heat. So, you gonna tell me how to stop it, or…?" Weinerham, rating may go up in the future. Involves gay besties and ancient prophecies.
1. Chapter 1

Randy woke up that morning feeling inexplicably warm.

As in, like, flushed faced, sweat pouring down your forehead, blood boiling uncomfortable warmth that usually only came with a summer heat wave. Wasn't it SUPPOSED to be the beginning of WINTER?

"UGH, someone turn OFF the HEAT, I'm BOILING!"

Randy rolled out of bed and slumped over to the thermostat, only to find the temperature at a cool 45° Fahrenheit. Randy scratched his head in confusion.

"Well, that's wonk. Must be broken." He scratched his head and shrugged.

"Whatever, I'm sure I'll feel fine after a nice, cold shower." So he walked into the bathroom, not noticing the frantic red glow of the nomicon in his backpack.

Later, at school…

Randy had decided to forgo his usual hoodie, due to the inexplicable and uncomfortable never ending heat, and was wearing shorts, sandals, and his usual T-shirt with the sleeves rolled up tightly. He was also using his homework as a paper fan and panting like a dog, his face red and his hair drooped with sweat. Beside him was Howard, wearing a blue squid sweater due to the cold of the beginning of winter. He was eyeing his best friend strangely.

"You…don't look so good."

"UGH, I'm BOILING! HOW can you be wearing a SWEATER, it's like, CRAZY HOT in here!"

"Sorry bud, that's just you."

Randy groaned and slumped against his locker.

"WHAT is WRONG with me? It's so HOT, I feel like I might throw up."

Howard rubbed his back sympathetically. Somehow, this made Randy feel a lot less queasy and a lot better. He hummed happily.

"I don't know, dude. Who knows, maybe it's some weird ninja thing." Randy gasped and grabbed Howard by the shoulders.

"HOWARD! THAT'S IT! I bet the nomicon knows ALL about this!" He pulled out the nomicon and proceed to shloomp, knocking his head against the locker and crumbling to the floor, his face blank and a pool of drool dripping from his slacked jaw. Howard sighed and leaned against the lockers, keeping a lookout while his friend was lost in the book.

"That's it, you just go ahead and do that. I'll just wait here for you until the bell rings and I have to literally drag you back to class - AGAIN."

Meanwhile, in the nomicon…

Randy fell into the book, past images of fire and intense battle, along with some neon scribbles of random words and phrases thrown in by ninjas past. Eventually, he was thrown into a small, dark room with only candles for light, creating a soft glow against the draped red fabric. In the room was a ninja scribble of a man clutching his head in agony. That was when the words of ancient wisdom began to appear, written in stylised red ink and filled with bright orange highlighter.

"The ninja who ignores an open flame is doomed to burn. Yeeeaaahhhh… not quite getting where you're going with this, nomicon, but I feel like it has something to do with this heat. So, you gonna tell me how to stop it, or…?" The entire nomicon seemed to sigh in exhaustion, but, instead of just shoving Randy out to figure it out himself like it usually did, it continued.

Randy watched in awe as the ninja scribble knocked over one of the candles, setting the fabric on fire and his clothing, before he let out a scream of agony. Randy covered his eyes with his arm. When he lowered the arm, he saw a different scene.

A field of roses, and a beautiful woman dressed in a gown of feathers. She reached out, and a ninja stepped out from behind Randy to take her hand. He saw a flash of ancient knowledge as the girl and the ninja held hands, obviously in love -

"The mask and the Tengu are forever linked" arched above the couple like a wedding canopy as the girl lifted the ninja's mask, and he transformed back into a normal man, the feathers fell off of her to reveal a silk white gown and a mass of flowing first hair. They kissed, and her hair flew upwards, firey feathers and ninja major surrounding them both, binding them -

Another change, the same girl bound to a wooden cross in a witch burning ceremony - the ninja on fire, reaching out to her, and accidentally setting the wood to flame -

"Only few are strong enough to keep the ninja close - those who are must protect as they are protected." The flames reached the girl, and she broke the ropes, drawing strength from the fire and leaping forth to grab the sobbing ninja and drag him away from the fire.

Another scene.

The same girl and ninja, hidden in an ancient alleyway, holding a scribble of the nomicon in their arms - "only the chosen may enter the book." They opened the nomicon scribble together, and fell forwards.

Eventually, they fell into the first room, and the ninja was in agony again, clutching his head - but the girl placed a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up into her face. She held the candle before him, between their hearts. The flame grew, and the ninja began to panic - but the girl took one of his hands, calming him, and moved it to hold the candle with her, and the flame grew stronger, consuming them, but not harming them, but strengthening them, and as they kissed, the fire did not burn them.

"A weak spark can start a powerful fire, but the ninja who ignores an open flame is doomed to burn."


	2. Chapter 2

**SUGGESTION: when these two start talking, imagine them just subconsciously putting their hands on each other and having adorably confused/pouty/frustrated/contemplative expressions on their faces while they're talking, just like they do in the show. I really wanted to just describe everything that was happening between them, but the descriptions broke the flow of the dialogue and seemed fairly intrusive, so I decided to just ask you guys to pretend at the beginning instead. That being said, enjoy the old married couple-like jealous banter-y cuteness!**

[_¡_]

Randy's head shot up from his intense shloomp session, and looked around, confused. It appeared he was in his math class, which was his third period. That meant it had been approximately THREE. HONKIN'. HOURS. Since he had first opened the book. He looked at Howard, who was looking at him with an expression that said 'well, it's about time!' Randy groaned and shut the book before facepalming against his desk, before the bell decided to ring and he lifted it curiously and gathered his things. Four hours. He was in the book for four hours.

"Alright, Cunningham, what gives?"

Randy started walking towards the cafeteria. "I don't know what you're talking about." Actually, he did, but it was the first thing that popped into his head.

"Don't you play dumb with me! I had to drag you everywhere today - literally! Do you know how many EXCUSES I had to make up in order to save YOUR sorry behind? You were I that stupid book for FOUR HOURS, Cunningham - four of them! I thought you might have DIED or something in there! You have NO. HONKIN'. CLUE. How WORRIED I have been. Don't you EVER do that to me again, do you hear me, Cunningham? NEVER. AGAIN."

"Alright, alright, sheesh, calm down. You know, if it's any consolation, I'm pretty shoobed at the Nomicon too. I mean, I'm pretty sure it knows what the juice is gong on with me, but all it did was show me this love story between a past ninja and some tengu fire bird chick."

"Wait … it showed you a LOVE STORY?"

"Why are you so angry about this?"

"I have my reasons, and they are all STRICTLY classified."

"WHAT? Come on, Howard, you can't classify stuff like this, we're BBFL's!"

"What on earth is a BBFL?"

"Best Bros For LIFE! Which means no secrets."

"Said the boy who's secretly a magical girl."

"Wha - okay, FIRST OF ALL, I am NOTHING like that peppy blonde chick from that Japanese cartoon we stole from Heidi's CD collection. SECOND OF ALL, you KNOW about that, so it only further proves my point."

"What, the cartoon or the secret identity thing?"

"THE SECRET IDENTITY THING!"

"Whoa, hey, calm down Cunningham. What'd that stupid book say that took so long, anyway?"

"Well, it said a lot of things, but I think the main message was 'A weak spark can start a powerful fire, but the ninja who ignores an open flame is doomed to burn.'"

"…So you're telling me it took that book FOUR HONKIN' HOURS to tell you THAT?"

"Well, it also said something about the tengu, and how the ninja's buddies must protect as they are protected … oh, and it also said that only special people can go into the nomicon."

"…okay, that doesn't sound ANYTHING like a love story."

"Well, there was this girl with, like, this orange hair, and she and the ninja seemed to be a thing, I mean they, like, held hands and kissed and stuff…"

"Okay, Cunningham, what does THAT have to do with your 'unbearable heat'?"

"I don't… huh. You know, I don't think it's as bad anymore."

"Wait… seriously?"

"Yeah, I mean, it's still THERE, but I don't feel like I'm melting anymore. Maybe the nomicon did something to, like… slow it down, or something, while I figured out how the cheese I'm supposed to fix this … whatever it is."

"Oh, swell."

"Again, with the confusing and unfounded anger. WHY are you so mad at me?"

"I'm not mad at you!"

"Then who ARE you mad at, Howard? The nomicon?"

"Yes! Exactly! I'm mad at the nomicon for shloomping you into oblivion for four hours straight, while you were obviously in some kind of WEIRD, possibly DEADLY ninja medical condition, and THEN, instead of telling you how the cheese we're supposed to fix you, it tells you some ancient fairytale about the ninja and his girlfriend! But, noooooo, it doesn't stop there, it haaaas to give you some kind of… of TEMPORARY TREATMENT to stay on your GOOD side. That BOOK is a total SHOOB!"

"HOWARD! The ninja nomicon is an 800 year old book of ancient ninja wisdom, NOT a SHOOB!"

"Sometimes, Cunningham, I think you lo ... LIKE that book … more than you like me."

"Howard, don't - "

"I'm going to get some lunch. ALONE. WITHOUT you, OR your book."

"Wha - HOWARD! You can't go solo on lunch time! You're my best bud!"

"Watch me."

Howard removed Randy's hand from his shoulder, which had subconsciously placed itself there during the conversation, and Randy felt a dreadful burning in his chest as his best friend turned and walked away…

Before, that is, a stank-ified student turned monster crashed through the cafeteria doors and let out an ear-shattering roar, grabbing Howard and snarling in his face.

"…HOW…WARD…"

"… I really liked that pair of underwear…"

[_¡_]

**Oh no! Howard's been kidnapped by a monster! What will happen now?**

**...**

**Oh, right, I wrote this, I already know what happens next...**

**But YOU DON'T! Mwahahahaha.**

**Plus, random Sailor Moon reference. Because Anime.**


	3. Chapter 3

"Howard!"

Howard rolled his eyes.

"Oh, no a giant monster out to kill me. Gee, if only there were some sort of hero here to save me, like, oh, I don't know, the NINJA?!"

Randy nodded and deftly slid behind a conveniently open locker door, and transformed. Seconds later, there was a cry of "SMOKEBOMB!" as the ninja stood heroically in a cloud of fine red dust, sword in hand and scarf fluttering in the breeze (even though they were inside, and it is impossible for there to be wind inside unless there is some sort of mechanical cause, such as a fan. IDK, it happens on the show all the time, just roll with it).

"Don't worry, buddy, I - AH!"

As soon as the ninja had lifted his hand to cup his mouth and call to his friend, he bent over as a sudden wave of agony overtook him.

"THIS IS SO NOT BRUCE!"

"STOP CURSING IN AGONY AND HELP ME!"

"I'm trying! I - OW!"

He clutched his abdomen and fell to the ground, kneeling.

"NINJA!"

"I - I'm trying, Howard, but - ungh..."

Howard sighed in exasperation as the ninja kept groaning in agony on the floor.

"Alright, alright, FINE. You just keep doing that, and I'll wait here and try not to get eaten."

The monster promptly roared ferociously right at Howard's bored face.

"Yeah, I've been in worse situations before. But this guy needs a breath mint."

"I'M... AH... GIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLL!"

Howard blinked, dumbfounded.

"Whoa, seriously? Well, I suppose that WOULD explain the skirt..."

"RAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGYYYY!"

"Raggy? What is this, like, Scooby Doo?"

"RHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Right, monster. Not the _best_ conversationalists."

The monster girl brought Howard close to her face to look directly into her blank white glare and growled softly, angrily.

"Eyw... wil...pai."

Howard's eyes widened and shifted from side to side as he began to sweat nervously.

"Uh... Ninja? I know you're kinda goin' through some sort of weird... ninja cheese, but I'm pretty sure that if you don't destank this monster chick sometime soon, I'll be TOTALLY wonked."

As if to prove his point, the monster then suddenly raised one of it's claws, as if to strike the trembling ginger boy in it's grasp. Howard screamed in fear as the claw shot down, and- there was a flash of silver and a metallic sound, and suddenly, Howard was on the ground surrounded by green smoke, unharmed, and the ninja...

Oh. Oh, no.

The ninja was on the ground... bleeding.


End file.
